When will life be normal?

I see that I am being very horrible at updating this blog. It is a little more than ironic to me that while I was going through all the chemo and radiation junk I updated almost daily. Now that I am home and not doing too much I find it is one of the most difficult things for me to keep in touch with people. Not only through this blog but also through phone calls, emails, letters and visits. I feel like my brain is just not there and when I go to do it I just lack the inspiration.

To be honest I have not felt like myself in quite a while. While I was going through all the chemo and pre transplant stuff I had to deal with a lot of changes. Losing my long thick hair, watching my muscles shrink smaller and smaller and losing quite a bit of weight (although I didn't mind that too much (:   They were all changes that I had to deal with and get used to, but I still felt like myself. Wigs and scarves adorned my now bald head and most of my clothing covered all my scars and the central line that came from my chest. All in all I looked pretty much the same and felt good and confident when being around others. I could wear all my normal clothes, which I love looking nice and shopping for cute clothing. That whole realm wasn't too much of a change. It was the one thing that felt normal in a not normal world for me.

Since the transplant and all the wonderful GVHD issues, I have been placed on this wonderful medication called Prednisone aka: steroids. Now I am sure by now you all know how much I love this med due to my numerous rants on different posts about it. I have thought time and time again that next month I am going to be off of them and the months and months keep going by and still I am on them. They make me feel somewhat of an "alien" as another transplant patient put it. My face has swollen to three times it's normal size and my whole upper body has also swollen as well. I can no longer wear my normal clothing so I now live in sweats and pajamas. I wear my UGG boots even in the warm weather because they are the only thing that it large enough to accommodate my feet when they swell up by the end of the day. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little more than frustrated at this point. My skin has stretched so much I now have these massive stretch marks on my stomach and arms. I am still so thankful to be alive and be able to have gone through this with not any huge complications. I remember that every day. I am just ready to feel like my normal self again. Or at least have my appearance look like my normal self again because then I think I will start feeling like myself in other ways. I am learning I still have a ways to go, so I guess the best I can do is take it a week at a time and know someday my doctor will say those wonderful magic words that I am off the prednisone. Till then I will have to deal with feeling not my norm for a while.